The holidays are here, and no matter if you’re full of Christmas spirit, or the spirit of capitalism there’s one thing we can agree upon– if you don’t give gifts, you’re a dick.
Unfortunately due to antiquated social norms that prevent you from being openly hostile to others, there are certain situations where you have to give these gifts to people you don’t like. So how do you convey how much you wish the recipient would fuck off into oblivion? You gift them one of these bad boys.
A Plant Subscription Box
“But wait, I fuckin’ love plants”, you might be thinking. Yeah, I fuckin’ love plants too. But do you know who doesn’t fuckin’ love plants? People who kill them. Clearly the person you hate is a soul-sucking force that makes you want to die, which probably goes for people and plants.
Give them the gift of feeling like a constant failure every month as one-by-one every plant that has been hand delivered starts to slowly die despite all their efforts. In fact, watch them mentally deteriorate over the course of the year thinking everything they touch dies.
Get a subscription here
While a seemingly innocuous gift, calendars are actually one of the brutal disses of all time. Why? They are a literal countdown to your eventual death.
You can soften the blow by gifting one with puppies and baby animals in tiny sweaters that make your heart instantly grow 3 sizes like the Grinch, or lean in and hand them a Dilbert calendar that echoes your existential despair. Either way, you’re basically handing the person you hate a daily reminder that their time on earth is fleeting, and there’s nothing more satisfying than that.
Get my pick here
No, I’m not talking about the fuzzy socks that are little foot clouds made of Heaven, I’m talking about about the thick, scratchy, wool socks your grandparents would send you every year for Christmas. Every year you would ask for Harvest Moon, or Heelys, or just cash so you could buy weed from the guy up the street, and every year you would have to fake excitement and gratitude unwrapping those fucking wool socks (it’s fine, I’m fine guys).
Give them a dose of good old PTSD with this classic throw back. Yeah, their feet might be warm, but their lives will feel cold and meaningless remembering the childhood trauma of years past. Happy holidays, bitch.
Get the kind my grandparents ruined my childhood with here
A Cookie Subscription Box
If you’re in this for the long haul gratification of ruining someone’s life, this one is for you. Hear me out, getting delicious cookies delivered to your home once a month might sound like a nice gesture, but with the rates of obesity in America these days, you’re most likely pumping this person full of sugar and then straight into their grave.
The holidays are the most popular time of year to pack on pounds, so preemptively destroy their New Years resolution by tempting them with a box full of cookies. Not only that, but set them up for year round failure (on top of the early death) by getting them a package deal. Revenge is sweet, isn’t it?
Get my favorite box here
Alright, you might be thinking “how could the gift of orgasms ever be construed as negative”, but here is where I’m going to ruin sex for you (and hopefully them). Orgasms are incredible, literally a game-changing event–which is why having sex with men (or some women) will seem sub-par after experiencing them.
Ruin all potential relationships for this person by gifting them orgasms and set them up to question their lives and ruin their emotional stability by not being able to cum as hard with another human being as they do with a piece of vibrating plastic. Not only will they feel physically broken, but they’re most likely looking at a minimum of 10 thousand dollars in therapy– the gift that keeps on giving.
Get my favorite vibrator here
Merry Christmas and may your passive aggressive gift giving bring you the joy you desperately need.