Valentine’s Gifts Your Boyfriend Would Buy You If You Had One, You Single Bitch

The bad news is that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and in no time at all you’ll be surrounded by pink hearts and people in relationships being happier than you.

The good news is people who aren’t in a relationship are more likely to die earlier, so your suffering is almost over.

Say fuck it, we ball by purchasing some of these gifts your lover could have bought you, if only you were capable of being loved


Over-Priced Flowers 

paris fleur

Is it weird that we express affection buy giving plants that will die within 3 days when picked, reminding us of our own fleeting mortality? Yes. Do I still want some? Yes, absolutely.

The price of flowers dramatically increases around Valentine’s day, and honestly, it just makes me want them more. There’s truly nothing that makes me hornier than blowing $50 to $300 on pretty things that die faster than my favorite character on Game of Thrones (RIP Hodor).

Pro Tip: Order yourself flowers to your office and sign the note “from your secret admirer”. Everyone at your job will think your pussy game is immaculate and respect you more.

Buy your overpriced bullshit here


A Spa Day For The Stress of Dealing With Men


“Can’t live with them, can’t live without them”, right? Just kidding. You live without a man every single day because you’re single, but that somehow (rudely) does not excuse you from the stress of dealing with men.

Relax and unwind from the constant stress of being harassed and objectified by letting a stranger rub the absolute shit out of your back for an hour. Follow this up by visiting a steam room and expunging all the toxicity of masculinity from your pores. Finish up your treatment with a sit in a Jacuzzi until your legs are jello, which is probably better than any orgasm a man gave you.

Pro Tip: Not only does this gift relax you and distract you from the sobering reality of dying aloe, but is likely to help you appear more attractive, increasing you chances of attracting someone with low standards. Now that’s what I call a win!

These Fuffy Ass Slippers

pink slipper

According to science, babies are comforted by soft objects that coddle them. It’s you. You’re baby.

Treat yourself to these super fluffy slippers that will make you feel like the Queen of France will life was still good before she was beheaded. They’re over the top and slightly extra, but hey, as long as you’re ok with your personality repelling any chance of a romantic intimate connections.

Pro Tip: Wear them around the house while you’re waiting for him to text you back, sis.

Get them here

A Ring

opal ring

So your 6th grade boyfriend never got you a Pandora charm bracelet, and you’re still bitter–that’s reasonable and valid, and has probably left you with a semi-unhealthy attachment to jewelry.

Sure, money can’t buy your love, but it can certainly help if we’re being realistic. Show you you just how much you love you with a pretty new piece. If you love it enough, it almost makes up for the ecological destruction and blood diamond mining it took to produce it!

Pro Tip:  If you buy yourself a ring you’re still ahead of all the bitches that got promise rings from their boyfriends who actually have no intentions of ever committing, cheers!

Buy my favorite one here



Pictured Above: my therapist when I told her I was having sexual thoughts about Post Malone again

While it may not be the most romantic option, if you’re single it’s probably because you have deeply rooted trauma that prevents you from making intimate connections. It’s 2020, please stop replacing all your meals with iced coffee and listening to Frank Ocean at 2am, speak to a professional.

Pro Tip: You may end up with a xanax prescription, very cool!



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