“It’s a hot girl summer!” I say, shotgunning my 4th White Claw at 1 pm at a baseball game, clearly making everyone else drinking out of the designated mouth hole around me feel uncomfortable. Suddenly, I’m self-conscious. Am I, a functional alcoholic, or just a fun girl?
Find out what your taste in alcohol says about you, below.
You may be accused of being basic, but if you really think about it, isn’t “basic” another word for “extremely likable and popular”? You have an innate ability to know what’s cool and what’s not and are usually in the foreground of anything trending. You know exactly what you like, and are completely fine with taking flack for it.
Pair With: Serial Killer Documentaries, quoting the Office and thinking liking Iced Coffee is a personality trait.
You’re a fucking psychopath with terrible taste.
Pair With: kicking puppies and making small children cry.
Let me guess your favorite band- wait, it’s probably “one you never heard of”. You probably are full of random facts that you like to sprinkle casually in conversation to assert your dominance. There is a 90% chance you have said the phrase “the vibes are off” unironically.
Pair With: An air of general pretentiousness and a Spotify playlist titled “sad boi hours” you exclusively listen to at 2 am.
Do you know that one friend your mom never seemed to like for seemingly no reason? That’s you. You have an air of being unhinged that honestly can’t be explained. Your whole life is based around being as messy and out of control as possible, and you thrive off of chaos. You can be dancing one minute, crying the next, and ordering Uber Eats in the next 5. No one can keep up with you, but at least you’re the center of attention.
Pair With: Texts to your ex and having to explain to your parents that you may not be able to make church this Sunday because you’re in the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
Ok, Miss Good Vibes Only, you’re probably the most chill bitch of all time. You consider yourself “down for anything”, and have probably non-ironically said you have wanderlust at least once. You’re the life of the party and the first one to be down to play pong or commit a felony. You feel the need to constantly please everyone and get stressed out by the idea there may be someone who doesn’t like you- because that’s so not chill.
Pair With: An educational viewing of the Gone Girl “Cool Girl” scene, therapy for low self-esteem and morning yoga
If the bar is at 8, you kick it up to 10. You always are willing to go farther and commit to out-doing anyone and everyone. You don’t thrive on attention, just validation that you are the biggest bad-ass in the room, and honestly, it’s respectable. You also could probably kick anyone’s ass, and I am terrified to ever cross your path.
Pair With: Books that smell of rich leather and an expunged juvenile criminal record.
You’re either on a diet or want to get as drunk as humanly possible as quickly as humanly possible- both of which mean your sheer willpower is off the goddamn charts. You are both incredibly messy and the most reliable person you know. Yeah, your phone screen may be permanently cracked, you have lost every piece of jewelry ever given to you, and you may not know the person you wake up next to’s name BUT you’re also always the one with the best story in the morning.
Pair with: About 13 thousand dollars worth of therapy and a 4.2 Uber Rating
You have poor taste and are statistically more likely to be a serial killer.
Pair With: Bodies in the Freezer and thinking American Psycho is a good movie.