As I laid in bed the other day, half-drunk off of Cupcake Moscato, with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, I was gripped with an unsettling thought- what if I’m the problem? What if, in my years of swiping on Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble, I have given into the delusion that there is always “the next best thing” waiting around the corner? Could it be that in my 7,236 matches, there were decent guys that I was looking over, turned off by their generic bios and lack of self-marketing?
Could it be that maybe men are not all trash?
Inspired by this general existential crisis and the season of giving, I have come up with the following set of best practices for men to use when crafting the perfect profile. While you may think that women want to see your impressive shotgunning photo, best catch, or even wittily captioned Snapchat, here’s the reality – you’re not getting matches because you’re doing something wrong.
A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words (Yikes x1000)
No matter what app you use, your pictures are usually the first thing people look at, and sometimes the only thing. While being hot is generally to your advantage in this situation, you don’t have to be a male model with six-pack abs that make me want to eat sushi off your bare body in order to secure a swipe. Here are general rules for making yourself as swipeable as possible.
- Do NOT have your first picture as a group shot. We will assume you are the ugly one.
- Make your first picture one of you alone, good lighting, and not a selfie
- NO MIRROR SELFIES EVER
- Stop putting in pictures that show dogs and babies that aren’t yours. It’s weird, dude.
- You may have a picture with another girl as long as it isn’t an ex as a 3rd or 4th picture, but never first, you sociopath.
- Women don’t want to see pictures of you holding a dead animal. Ever.
- Don’t have Snapchat captioned photos. Use your bio (or the individual photo captions, if you’re on Hinge) to showcase your personality.
- Don’t use black and white filtered anything. This is not an R. Kelly music video.
- Only use pictures of you. I’m not here to date your dog, admire a mountain or plan my next beach vacation. Seriously, stop using pictures where you’re not in it.
- Remember, smiles get swipes!
“If You Can Make A Girl Laugh, You Can Make Her Do Anything” (Even Go Out With You)
If pictures are the lure of your dating fishing rod, bios are the hook. Yes, that is a fishing metaphor, no that does not mean you should talk about fishing. You see, the bio is where you need to display your personality without communicating that you are boring, problematic, or generally terrible to be around. This all sounds very easy, but unfortunately, you’re all terrible at it. When writing your bio, keep these things in mind:
Keep it Simple, Stupid
If you want to get kissed, remember KISS- keep it simple, stupid. Unless you’re a writer for a living, do your best to keep your bio short, sweet, and to the point. BONUS TIP: write something that’s a cohesive thought instead of bullet points or random information.
Talk About You
Talk about you, not what you’re looking for. Any man who uses his bio to spell out a laundry list of what he’s seeking in a woman is a major red flag.
Humble Brags Only Work When You’re Funny (And You’re Not Funny)
I saw a profile once that was just a guy’s bank account. Sure he was worth a million dollars, but he was not worth my pussy. If you want to drop a brag, you need to make it funny, like “I may not be hot, but it’s easier being ugly in private Malibu vacation home”. Sure, you still sound like a douche, but at least you sound like a self-aware douche.
Be Memorable
An instant swipe right for me is something that sticks out from other profiles. Whether it’s a weird fact (“Angelina Jolie is my cousin”), a self-deprecating joke (“I’m a human anti-depressant because I make people happy, but also dramatically decrease their sex drive), or a powerpoint-style picture bio (this was my ex-boyfriend’s hook; effective, but also fuck you, Kyle).
Leave Out Weirdly Personal Information
I don’t need to know you’ve just gotten out of a 3-year relationship because of that “cheating whore Jessica” (or at all; please refrain from mentioning prior relationships before the third date AT LEAST). I don’t need to know you’re infertile. I certainly do not need to know you may possibly be waiting for a lung transplant (unless you’re using Bumble to find a donor, in which case, good luck). These are all real things I have seen in bios, please save that for conversation AFTER you have been swiped right.
End With A Call To Action
Anyone who works in marketing knows that any persuasive selling piece should end with a call to action. End your bio with something that compels people to swipe right, even if it sounds cheesy. Examples: Swipe right for the best date of your life (or a story to roast me over brunch with your friends), Swipe right and tell me the best place to get tacos and I’ll buy the margaritas, etc.
Happily Ever “Get A Text Back From Her”
So you followed all this advice and you even got a few matches, but you’re not getting messages back. Why? Unfortunately, the problem is you. Fortunately, you can fix this! If a girl isn’t responding to your messages, it’s most likely due to the message itself, or the approach. When opening up a conversation, keep these rules in mind:
- Don’t just say “hey”. Hay is for horses, and I am a fucking lady. Try to start a conversation by mentioning something she had in her bio that you found appealing or clever that separates her from other matches.
- AVOID AT ALL COSTS OPENING WITH SOMETHING SEXUAL. Seriously, you’re not 12, what the fuck dude.
- Do not use a GIF if you ever want a girl. Remember that.
- Generally, avoid negative statements unless that girl had mentioned hating it also in her bio. IE- if she talks about everyone in LA being obsessed with looks saying something like “Yeah, it’s hard for a solid 6 out here but good thing my personality is an 8” is ok.
- Do not use the word cutie. Ever. Banish it from your vocabulary.
- Don’t mention her looks. She knows she’s hot. She hears it all the time. Know what she doesn’t hear? That she’s hilarious, charming, has a really great bio, etc. Literally, talk about anything else.
- Don’t use a pickup line. They don’t work in real life and they won’t work now. Stop it.
- Ask a question so she feels compelled to respond, “Hey, I saw that you hate Donald Trump, that’s cool but do you think jet fuel can melt steel beams?” is a winning opener from me, dawg.
- Avoid abbreviations or one-word answers. This may have been acceptable when we used AIM but we have evolved now, please grow up.
- Don’t talk on the app for more than 3 days. Ask her for her number. This separates you from all the other guys you’re competing against and proves you are a real person. Sack up and do it.
Maybe Men Are Trash, But You Don’t Have To Be
Unfortunately, apps aren’t going anywhere. Tinder has become a mainstay of our internet culture, and just as our ancestors before us, we need to adapt to survive. Men as a group may be trash, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Separate yourself from everyone else by being a genuinely decent dude. Love has become a numbers game and the best strategy for falling in love is as simple as making yourself as palatable as possible. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, but maybe make sure she swipes right first.
About the Author
Ashley is 24, single, and hoping for love on her 7,237th match. She lives in Chicago and spends her time shit-posting on the internet while searching for a copywriting job. Rumour has it her DMs are always open for employment and compliments, so catch up with her on twitter and instagram at @ewdatsgross, or through an email at ewdatsgross@gmail.com
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